Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Funny Letter for Your Tuesday!

I am sure many of you  have seen this,  but I had not so here you go!

This is an actual letter from an Austin woman sent to American company

Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets

rolling after the first paragraph. It's PC Magazine's 2007 editors'

choice for best webmail-award-winning letter.

Dear Mr. Thatcher,

I have been a loyal user of your 'Always' maxi pads for over 20 years

and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the LeakGuard Core

or Dri-Weave absorbency, I'd probably never go horseback riding or salsa

dancing, and I'd certainly steer clear of running up and down the beach

in tight, white shorts. But my favorite feature has to be your

revolutionary Flexi-Wings. Kudos on being the only company smart enough

to realize how crucial it is that maxi pads be aerodynamic. I can't tell

you how safe and secure I feel each month knowing there's a little F-16

in my pants.

Have you ever had a menstrual period, Mr. Thatcher? Ever suffered from

the curse'? I'm guessing you haven't. Well, my time of the month is

starting right now. As I type, I can already feel hormonal forces

violently surging through my body. Just a few minutes from now, my body

will adjust and I'll be transformed into what my husband likes to call

'an inbred hillbilly with knife skills.' Isn't the human body amazing?

As Brand Manager in the Feminine-Hygiene Division, you've no doubt seen

quite a bit of research on what exactly happens during your customers

monthly visits from 'Aunt Flo'. Therefore, you must know about the

bloating, puffiness, and cramping we endure, and about our intense mood

swings, crying, jags, and out-of-control behavior. You surely realize

it's a tough time for most women. In fact, only last week, my friend

Jennifer fought the violent urge to shove her boyfriend's testicles into

a George Foreman Grill just because he told her he thought Grey's

Anatomy was written by a bunch of drunken chimps,Crazy!

The point is, sir, you of all people must realize that America is just

crawling with homicidal maniacs in Capri pants... Which brings me to the

reason for my letter. Last month, while in the throes of cramping so

painful I wanted to reach inside my body and yank out my uterus, I

opened an Always maxi-pad, and there, printed on the adhesive backing,

were these words: 'Have a Happy Period.'

Are you f**king kidding me? What I mean is, does any part of your tiny

middle-manager brain really think happiness - actual smiling, laughing

happiness is possible during a menstrual period? Did anything mentioned

above sound the least bit pleasurable? Well, did it, James? FYI, unless

you're some kind of sick S&M freak girl, there will never be anything

'happy' about a day in which you have to jack yourself up on Motrin and

Kahlua and lock yourself in your house just so you don't march down to

the local Walgreen's armed with a hunting rifle and a sketchy plan to

end your life in a blaze of glory.

For the love of God, pull your head out, man! If you just have to slap a

moronic message on a maxi pad, wouldn't it make more sense to say

something that's actually pertinent, like 'Put down the Hammer' or

'Vehicular Manslaughter is Wrong', or are you just picking on us?

Sir, please inform your Accounting Department that, effective

immediately, there will be an $8 drop in monthly profits, for I have

chosen to take my maxi-pad business elsewhere. And though I will

certainly miss your Flex-Wings, I will not for one minute miss your

brand of condescending bullsh*t. And that's a promise I will keep.

Always.  Best,

Wendi Aarons

Austin , TX


Honey said...

Now THAT is funny!

resolute twig said...


DalaHorse said...

I'm steering clear of her that's for damn sure!

novadesigns said...

Omg that is amazingly funny! HA HA I am dying laughing :o)

Lori said...

OMG! Can you imagine receiving her letter? I think I would have looked over my shoulder. Not that I could not relate on certain things. I love that part where her body is being transformed by hormones. Hey maybe that is where they got the idea for the Incredible Hulk. Imagine if guys had periods with all the aggressiveness. I do believe the human race would be obliterated.


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